We all have something to be thankful for, I know I do!

  I have so many reasons to be thankful. I have had several pieces of excellent news recently. I met with my neuro surgeon and he showed me my latest MRI scan and low and behold as if by magic (or a 9 hr operations and lots of skilled workmanship) my tumour is 99.9% gone! Hurrah! I hadn’t realised until I got to the appointment how nervous I was, and afterwards burst into tears of relief. My hubby hugged me and said “it’s ok, it’s over now”.
18 months has passed since I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and what a year and a half its been, the highs of getting married, going on honeymoon, buying our first home paralleled with the all time low of discovering I had a brain tumour, brain surgery, and the rocky road to recovery I’ve been traveling on.
I have learnt so many things, but one is don’t be complacent. Make the most of your friends, family, your life! But don’t be stupid, in the busy lives we all lead it’s easy to ignore things, don’t, stop to take time out to take care of yourself. My symptoms weren’t major but they were there and had been for several years, but I’m not one to make a fuss, didn’t want to waste anyone’s time so I was diagnosed several years after I might have been if I’d been honest with myself and my doctor and not just kept on keeping on. So my message to you is be self aware.
Awareness – if you start going deaf (and you’re under 50), get tinnitus, dizziness, unexplained headaches – get it checked out. Go for a hearing test, get an MRI, don’t ignore it. I was lucky to discover my brain tumour when I did, it may have been growing for years and apart from the afore mentioned symptoms I was healthy & leading a normal life but my brain tumour was growing to a size which was peaking on disaster. When they operated to remove the tumour it was compressing on my brain stem, if I hadn’t had the op & it continued to grow … Well let’s not even go there.

I haven’t got lazy and stopped cooking – I promise, I just haven’t been trying any new recipes recently, however I have still been eating lots of yummy things and a lovely friend treated me to afternoon tea at Fortum & Mason yesterday and toasted me for being brave. The tea menu alone is enough to make me tremble with excitement with so many different teas and blends to choose from and then when the afternoon tea sandwich and cake selection came out… Well I was in heaven! Thanks A.x

  

Say what you mean & mean what you say – if only it were that simple!

  It has been over a month since I’ve blogged, I’ve tried a few times, but I’ve had writers block. My mind is tired I think. Over the last 5 months (yes it’s been 5 months since my operation – doesn’t time fly?!)  I have worked tirelessly on improving my balance & stability and getting my face moving again.The physical wounds are healing but the wounds that aren’t immediately obvious still have some time to go. Acceptance is something that I have to work on, I will never be the person I was before I had brain surgery there are pluses and minuses to that. Single sided deadness affects more in life than you think and changes you, I’m exploring hearing aid/implant options but I’ll never have full hearing again and I just have to accept that. Also I have to be realistic that I may never get the smile back I once had, but as my hubby encourages me I need to embrace the person I have now become. In fact he told me the other day he’s pleased that I don’t look exactly the same as it’s important not to forgot what I’ve been through and how I’ve come out the other side. 

But saying that I’m no longer self conscious about my face, it’s not immediately obvious anymore that I have facial palsy problems but a new challenge has surfaced; although thinking thoughts and then getting my brain to relay the message is no longer a problem,( I can jabber away for hours ) I am becoming a bit self conscious of the mistakes I sometimes make. For example I might say a completely normal sentence – “I’m writing a shopping list” – well that’s what I’ve thought I’ve said, when in fact I’ve said “I’m writing a banana list” – the thoughts are linked, I was probably thinking I should put bananas on the list but my mind muddles what I’m thinking & what I’m saying and all of a sudden I’m a crazy banana list maker! Now it’s easy to laugh off and when with friends, family & hubster it’s not such a big deal but at work or in scenarios with strangers who don’t know anything is wrong with me it can become quite embarrassing. It seems whatever hurdle I overcome, there is always another hurdle to jump. In a week I’ll finally get the results from my post op MRI scan (I had the scan in August so it has been a long frustrating wait to get an appointment with my consultant). Hopefully the consultant will show me my scan and the tumour that once blighted my brain will have been magically erased and I can discuss my brain/speech confusions and hopefully he will reassure me that in time my mind & mouth will work in perfect unison again!

Once I’ve got all my appointments out of the way it’s tempting to try and move on and forget what’s happened, I’ve always said I would never let having a brain tumour define me but also I’ve come to realise I shouldn’t be embarrassed, I may get tired quicker or struggle with things sometimes but my strength of character, resilience and tenacity cannot be denied, I am brave and I am strong and I am ready for whatever the world throws at me next!

This evening it threw at me (not literally) a fruit bowl full of past their best bananas, and when life gives you browning bananas what else can you do but make banana bread?!

  

My birthday wish came true!

Today is my birthday! I’ve had so many great gifts and have been spoilt rotten – massive thank you to everyone who has made it so special already and to my hubby for making me a delicious birthday cake! But I cheated this year and didn’t wait until I blew out the candles on my cake to make my birthday wish, I made it in advance so I had more chance of it coming true!! (my favourite motto; prior preparation, prevents poor performance 😜). My wish was to smile again! I’ve worked really hard and done hours of facial exercises and it’s finally starting to pay off, over the last week or so I’ve slowly had some movement on the left palsy side of my face and now I can just about do a closed mouth smile!! 😊 Thank you birthday fairies for making my wish come true.

But that’s not all… I’ve received an unexpected gift since my last blog. I went to see an audiologist last week, a truly lovely man who didn’t just see me as a patient but a person and was so compassionate I almost broke down and sobbed. He totally shocked me when he said “how about I give you a hearing aid to take away and try and see how you get on?” Now I’m thinking oh no a huge geriatric looking box behind my ear with a loop round the back to the good ear (traditional CROS aid) but he got out a tiny box and explained they were the new digital CROS hearing aids which just fit behind your ear and could help me hear on my deaf side by routing the sound round. He fitted them to my ears and made me turn my good ear away from him and he spoke to my deaf ear, and I could hear him, I couldn’t quite take it in, I was gobsmacked. As my hubby and I walked out of the hospital I heard some beautiful music and turned to my left and saw someone playing the piano, (normally when I hear music I no longer know what direction it’s coming from) and my husband leant in to my left, deaf ear and whispered “I love you” and I HEARD HIM!! That was it, I became a crying mess. It reminded me of when I saw this Video a few weeks ago and wondered what this would feel like for me.

I haven’t told anyone about my new present as I wanted to test it without lots of people asking me about it, and I guess there is a bit of vanity about it, (feels a bit weird wearing a hearing aid at 31!) But it’s well and truly tested after the party we had last night and I think for now it’s a good option to help me when I’m around lots of people, so we’ll see how I go, early days!

Now although I made some delicious sausage rolls and dips and bits for the BBQ we had yesterday, I failed to take any photos. But I did take a photo of the vodka jelly!
  

Phased return to life…

So I’ve been pretty quiet of late, I’ve not been cooking much or blogging about anything really. I guess I’ve been in a weird place not sure what I’m feeling and lots of confusing thoughts. I guess my conclusion is; life is hard, for all of us, in different ways, at different times. We all face challenges but it’s how we address those challenges that sets us apart. 
The last few weeks has been a tidal wave of change for me, my hubby has finished and submitted his Masters thesis (yaaay soo proud) so now he’s not studying I get to spend much more time with him which I’m loving 💕, I’ve also passed the 3 month post op milestone and it’s amazing to see how far I’ve come, from needing help with everything from washing my hair and walking to the toilet, being reminded to take all my meds and sleeping constantly, to being independent! I now have the confidence and the physical ability to get on a bus by myself and meet a friend for a drink & a natter and I’ve started to socialise more in groups, and the biggest, newest change and hurdle is going back to work, albeit on a passed return.
 I was a bundle of nerves on Sunday night, like a child starting a new school after summer break, the anticipation of returning to work left me with a mix of emotions; anxiety, excitement, fear. How would it be in an open plan office now I’ve got total hearing loss on one side? Could my eyes cope with sitting in front of a computer screen for hours? How tired would I get? How would people react to me? How self conscious would I be about my facial palsy? Would my brain and my mouth work together and say what I’m thinking and want to express? 
 Monday was a tough day, I won’t deny it, 3 months where I work is not an insignificant period of time, so much has changed in my team, so many news faces and it’s tough not knowing quite how you fit in. It wasn’t easy, but I’m sure it will get easier. I miss working and the temptation is to throw myself back into everything 150% like I used to, but I know I have to be kind to my body and take things slowly and gently so I can build up my stamina.
In just over a week I will turn 31 and that is the next big milestone for me in many ways. I’m having a party* to celebrate getting older, surviving my brain tumour and living in our gorgeous house with my wonderful hubby. I feel like a debutante (yes Gossip Girl is never far from mind) looking forward to her first official soiree or debutante ball and the way my face keeps twitching I’m sure my mouth is telling me it’s getting ready to smile for the occasion! 
I feel like I’m having a phased return to normal life and every little thing, the text, the card, the fluffy pen (totally ‘Clueless’ I love it!) makes me smile inside and reminds me that people are there for me and care, giving me that silent support I need as I continue on my journey to recovery.

Now I couldn’t leave you without a nice photo, I haven’t been cooking so much, well nothing worthy of photography but I have been working on a little creative project I’d like to share. I up-cycled a boring pine chest of drawers into a ‘Laurita original’… voila! Impressed? You should be, a lot of blood, sweat and tears went into that baby! 🙂 
  *(now don’t get offended if you’re reading this and haven’t been invited, I’m keeping it quite small an intimate as otherwise it will be quite overwhelming for me).

11 weeks ago I was in hospital following brain surgery….

11 weeks on I’m home, and I’m taking steps forward to full recovery every day. 11 weeks ago I couldn’t walk on my own, wash on my own, go to the toilet on my own, now I can do all of that and so much more! I’m not afraid to ask for help, and struggle with some things still, but as I’ve said before it’s a journey; highs, lows, the whole  shebang! As part of the journey I’ve seen it as an opportunity to improve me, both physically and mentally. Before the op my balance was pretty bad because of the positioning of the tumour but now it’s gone there’s no reason I can’t make my balance better than it ever was before, with physio & exercise and a positve state of mind. Before my op sometimes I used to take life too seriously, get stressed, upset or frustrated but now I know it’s just not worth it, life’s too short, I’ve discovered mindfulness and meditation and have realised my health and happiness is number one!

Yesterday I celebrated being normal with some of my bestest friends, cooking dinner for them, sitting around the table and chatting, something I haven’t done in so long, but which felt so good and made me happy and even if I can’t smile, happiness is sometimes the best medication!

So what did I cook the girls? We started with a few dips, chips and crudités while we had a catch up and then followed with roasted pepper, ginger prawn quinoa and rice pilaf with chilli coriander oil. This recipe is based on a Sainsbury’s magazine recipe with a few tweaks and additions. I served this with a sweet and sour cucumber & carrot noodle salad (using my spiralizer) and a dressing made with lemon juice, honey, fish sauce, white wine vinegar, rice vinegar, finely chopped garlic and onion and some toasted seeds.

   
 

For pudding I made Nigella’s Bailey tiramisu, a delicious recipe which my mother in law introduced me to.  But the showstopper of the meal was the amazing chocolate orange brownies my beautiful friend made, she’s very modest and not an overly confident baker but it’s official, in writing, they were delicious and you are fantastic! (The photographer skills though are perhaps not as good! 😋)

 

I’m smiling on the inside. I promise.

 

 Weddings are beautiful, happy days celebrating the love of two people, smiling, laughter & chatter …

But what if your smile is only on the inside? You try as you might to make your happiness shine through but your head & your heart just can’t get your body to respond, it’s frustrating, upsetting and somewhat depressing. 
The last two weekends I’ve been lucky enough to go to two absolutely fantastic weddings filled with love, laughter & happiness. Seeing friends get married is so special, and in the last couple of weeks I have had the privilege of seeing one of my husbands oldest friends get married and one of my best & oldest friends tie the knot.

Weddings normally fill me only with joy and happiness but ‘new me’ finds them a bit tricky. When I wrote the first draft of this blog I wrote about all the things that are difficult for me, but I’ve decided I don’t want to dwell on them too much as I still had lots of fun and I just have to accept the new me is different and there will be challenges but I will overcome them.

Old me would be dancing the night away on the dance floor, downing shots whilst engaging in cheeky banter all topped off with big smiles all round. But I’m not old me, my single sided deafness prevents me from really getting involved in group conversation and I’m conscious I can’t smile & so look miserable in all the photos. It breaks my heart not to be able to have a photo with the bride with my matching beaming smile on show, but I can’t and I don’t know when I’ll be able to again but that is ok, for now this is me, but just for now, I haven’t given up.  But darling P when I get my smile back I may make you put your beautiful gown back on so I can have that photo with you!

At P&P’s wedding when the band played our first dance song my hubby led me to the dance floor and reminded me that only 10 weeks ago I had my tumour removed and that it was amazing how well I was doing, ‘it’s a difficult journey but I’m with you every step of the way’. And he is, along with my mum and an amazing group of friends. They say you know who your real friends are when something difficult happens in life, and they have all truly shown themselves to be amazing. From the smallest of gestures, a text, a Facebook message, an email, to the visits and trips out and amazing surprises that turn up my doorstep week in, week out showing that no one has forgotten me! These recent weddings have been the first time I’ve seen a lot of people post op (apart from my besties) and I want to say thank you to those who haven’t seen me in a while who had the courage to ask how I am, it’s not easy & I know it can seem like the elephant in the room, it’s as awkward for you as me, but the acknowledgement means a lot.

So I haven’t excatly been cooking a dish a day, we’ve had a bit of a cheap & cheerful using-up-stuff-in-the-fridge & freezer week! Including a chorizo & halloumi frittata and we had a big old fry up pre wedding so I’ll share the photos of those…